I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
