people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
