do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
