Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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