Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
