I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
