Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
