Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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