Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
