4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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