My room smells like vodka and shame
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
