the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
