HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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