Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
