ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
