watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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