3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
