found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
