farters have to be the big spoon...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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