I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You just made me feel so damn special
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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