I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
