I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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