I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
