I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
