she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
