my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
