my phone needs a breathalizer
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
you made out with another girl for some wings
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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