??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
