did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
