i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
