Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
