why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
