Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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