im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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