Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
