Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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