i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
