all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
