come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
