too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
