I cockslap morals
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
