You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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