saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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