I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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