I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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