Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we made out on top of his cat.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
