No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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