someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
