I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
