Plan B is the new Plan A
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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